…Hey they're fabulous listeners Welcome back to mindset medicine with Doctor Julia. If you're new here buckle up because we're gonna keep it real raw and refreshingly honest. If you're a returning friend, you know the drill. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage tea coffee. Maybe something stronger because well it is the holidays.
And let's dive into the kind of mindset shifts that actually stick. Today we're talking boundaries. Not the cute little picket fences, the kind that actually fortify your soul kind. We're diving deep into something called the fog method f o g It's a game changer from Susan Forward and Donna Frasier's book emotional blackmail…...
It SAbout recognized when you're making choices out of fear, obligation or guilt, fog f o g. And let's be real The holidays tend to bring all the fog. The fog method is something that I've been personally using for years and it has been a game changer for me and I'm hoping it will be for you as well So why now? Because as much as I'd like to think that the holidays are all about love and connection, they often come with way too much stress, obligation in the kind of guilt trips that make even Santa's sleigh look light. But not this year my friends.
This year we're gonna flip the script. Why does it matter before the holidays? Alright. Let's get on this for a second. How many times have you said yes to something during the holidays that you absolutely did not want to do?
Maybe it was baking cookies for the school fundraiser hosting dinner for thirty people or listening to your uncle Bob's political rant the same thing every year for five times in a row.
And why did you say yes? If we're being honest it's probably because you were afraid of disappointing someone. Maybe you felt obligated to step up or guilty about not being good enough in quotes. The holidays are prime fog season because expectations are sky high from family traditions to social obligations. There's an unspoken pressure to show up, pitch in and make everything perfect.
Even if it's at the expense of your own sanity…Fear obligation and guilt creep in because we're wired to seek connection and approval. It is human nature to want to avoid conflict or rejection, and the holidays can really make those instincts go into super overdrive. Well for example fear might sound like if I don't host Christmas dinner my family will think that I failed them. Obligation may show up as everyone is counting on me to organize a holiday party because I've always done it. And guilt, Oh this is the sneaky little one.
If I don't buy my niece that expensive gift she wants I'll look like a bad ant. So here's the big question Why does this happen? A lot of it stems from our childhood conditioning. Maybe you grew up in a household where love was equated with acts of service.
The more you did, the more you were praised. You might have learned that worth was tied to how much you could give or how much you could meet other people's expectations. Over time this creates a belief system where inside your brain is just saying, no. Feels like failure. And setting boundaries might feel selfish.
That's the childhood conditioning that happens to many of us and it certainly happened to me I could give example example of that. So let's layer on a few societal messages on top of conditioning, especially for women, there's an unrelenting pressure to be everything to everyone. The perfect parent, the perfect partner, the perfect host the perfect friend, or the perfect colleague. Immediate reinforces us so much as well It paints like this idyllic picture of the holidays as seamless and joyful.
Well here here's a spoiler. It's not magic. It's someone else's unpaid emotional labor. I'm gonna say that again. It's someone else's unpaid emotional labor…
It's easy to internalize these expectations for everybody else and believing that falling short means you failed or I have failed. Well, then let's add on the fear of confrontation and disappointing other people. For many of us avoiding conflict feels a whole lot safer than expressing our own needs. We feel judged or rejected if we don't live up to others' expectation. This fear can create a pattern of saying yes over and over just to avoid discomfort, even if it costs us our peace.
Obligation often masquerades as tradition where you feel like you have to do things because that's how it's always been. That's a heavy tradition right there. And guilt. It's the icing on this toxic holiday cake whispering to you that you're a bad person if you don't sacrifice your happiness for others…
So what's the result? A cycle of over commitment…and resentment…
You keep saying yes because you're afraid of disappointing others because every yes chips away at your joy. Recognizing these patterns is like the first step to breaking free and reclaiming your time your energy and your happiness because the holidays should be about connection and joy, not obligation and burnout…
So breaking free how do we do this How do we break free from the fear the obligation and the guilt. Well the fog method in action here we go. So how do we claim your joy and your boundaries this season? How can you use the fog method to ditch the drama and actually enjoy yourself. Step one.
Identify the fog, the FOGs. The first step is simple Just notice when fog is creeping in. I'm gonna tell you your body knows it There's a signal that you're doing something that's incongruent with your inner heart and joy. So are you saying yes to the holiday dinner because you genuinely are excited and love it Recognize when you're driving decisions at a fear obligation or guilt
Let me tell you a quick story. I have a friend Lisa. She found herself saying yes to organizing her office's Christmas party. Did she want to No. Not really and she said it as much to me But she was afraid her boss would think less of her if she didn't.
Fear said, you'll look bad if you don't step up. But once Lisa identified that her yes was fear based, She realized she wasn't obligated to take on the task. Lisa handed it off to someone else and said guess what? The party happened and the world didn't end and it was really really good. She stepped back and it was okay.
The world did not end. Step number two, set clear boundaries. Here's the big one. Once you spot the fog, it's time to draw the line. And yes I mean saying no when you need to.
You don't have to be the savior of everyone's holiday.
Let's have you set boundaries that prioritize your peace and your energy For example instead of cooking the whole meal yourself, suggest a potluck or…gas, cater it. Uh trust me I've been thinking about this year with everything going on with my husband's health I'm beginning to wonder if I'm gonna be able to manage it And I started thinking about options uh that lessen my stress and enable us to really be more present. So I had another client Her name was Janet and she dreaded the annual family gift exchange. The pressure to spend hundreds of dollars or having gifts that are perfect just left her stressed and broke. This year she told me she set a boundary.
She said they are gonna do a secret Santa with a thirty dollar limit. The family didn't like it at first but guess what? Everybody loved it. The stress went down. The family had more fun.
Less money was spent. And Janet kept her sanity and her budget intact…
And lastly number three. Practice self compassion. I know the change is hard and breaking old patterns can feel downright scary. Trust me In the Bolwlin household, the Bolwlin's like tradition. But you can be kind to yourself and practice self compassion.
If someone's feelings are hurt because you chose self care over over extending yourself, well that's on them Not you. So give yourself permission to rest recharge and enjoy the holidays on your terms.
a little humor. If guilt starts creeping in imagine it's a nosy neighbor peeking over your fence, You wouldn't invite them in for coffee, so don't invite guilt to stay in your head rent free. Instead remind yourself, I'm doing my best and my best is enough. Let the guilt go folks Just let it…
So how is this gonna make your holiday brighter Well imagine a holiday where you actually feel rested, joyful and connected. Instead of frazzled stressed and secretly googling last minute vacations to escape family drama
That's what happens when you ditch the fog And prioritize your well-being. You'll have more energy to give to the things and to the people that truly matter. And the holidays well will feel less like an obligation and more like a celebration, which is what it should be. Here's the thing. When you stop running yourself ragged and actually get to enjoy a little moments like sipping cocoa, binge watching cheesy holiday movies or just laughing at your dog who's trying to wrap his new toy.
Those are the things you'll remember. Not the perfect play settings or the fifteen kinds of cookies you were pressured to bake. When you put up boundaries you're giving the people around you the gift of your best self, a calm, a present, A joyful self. And if someone can't appreciate that, well, my friend they're the ones who need to take a good hard look at their priorities. Not you.
So take a good breath loosen your grip on perfection and lean into the holiday season that actually makes your heart happy. And hey, if all else fails, there's always pie because well pie never judges…
Alright Let's wrap this up with a little holiday cheer and some tough love. The fog isn't some magical holiday curse It's a habit you can break. This season, let's channel our inner boundary setting badasses. Remember, saying no to someone else is often saying yes to yourself. If you say yes to something you're saying no to something.
If you're saying no to something you're saying yes So how about saying yes to yourself this holiday season? And it isn't that the greatest gift of all. Well that and maybe a really good bottle of wine. You've got this Get out there Ten those fences and reclaim your joy because you deserve a holiday that feels as good as fuzzy socks on a chilly morning. Warm comforting and completely guilt free.
And when the holiday chaos stops knocking on your door, politely decline, grab you cocoa. Remind yourself that peace is the best present you can give to yourself and everybody around you Happy holidays my friends I'm rooting for you every step of the way. And may you be happy, be healthy and be fulfilled as we bring in the end of two thousand twenty four…
