MM_Oct2026 - E4 Deciding What I Still Want to Keep_TRANSCRIPT
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[00:00:00] Dr. Julia Bowlin: There are three questions I invite you to ask. What do I wanna keep? What do I want to change? And what am I ready to let go of?
[00:00:17] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Hello there. I'm Dr. Julia Bowlin, and you're listening to Mindset Medicine, your weekly dose of personal awareness. So take one breath and let whatever you've been holding onto just loosen now and whenever you're ready. This month, we've been looking at thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that got handed down to us without our ever choosing them.
[00:00:38] Dr. Julia Bowlin: In the first episode in October, we looked at reactions that showed up before we decided to do anything. In the second episode, I looked at where those reactions live in our bodies. And the last episode, we looked back and pulled back to the thoughts, the feelings, and the behaviors that we already know, the ones [00:01:00] that feel familiar, and the ones that pull us right back into that kind of thinking, and feeling, and behaviors just because they feel cozy, or comfortable, or safe.
[00:01:10] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Today, we get to the part that surprises a lot of us, what to do once we see all of it, when it all becomes transparent. So once we start noticing what we have inherited from other people, other experiences, our past, a new question begins to show up. What do I have to get rid of, or do I even have to get rid of it at all?
[00:01:34] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And for a while, I assumed that the answer was yes. If I hadn't chosen a habit or a reaction, I figured I needed to change it, as if noticing it meant I was supposed to fix it. But that is not how it works, folks. Some of what we inherited doesn't fit us anymore, and some of it fits just fine. What matters isn't where it came from, it's whether we've looked at it and [00:02:00] decided, because choosing something is very different than doing it on autopilot.
[00:02:06] Dr. Julia Bowlin: So deciding does come with a catch, though. When we choose something on purpose, we have to be okay with not knowing for sure how things are gonna turn out. So today, I wanna talk about the deciding part, and I wanna share with you a little bit about my mornings. For a long time, I woke up at 4:30 in the morning, automatically, just instantaneously, no alarm, and I didn't pick that time in particular.
[00:02:34] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping, and some nights it was taking care of things at home. Some nights it was my phone ringing with patient calls, being on call. Either way, once I was awake, I couldn't go back to sleep. And then my husband, Ricky, got sick with cancer, and I noticed something. The only time I had to myself to get my own work done, to feel my tea in the morning and [00:03:00] relax, was really early in the morning, before he woke up.
[00:03:04] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Because he'd turn on the TV the second he'd wake up with news that I didn't necessarily wanna hear, and it kinda rocked my peaceful moments. So I started doing that. I started using that early morning. I'd make my tea or a coffee, depending on my mood, and I'd work on my business outside, the work I do outside of hospice and family medicine.
[00:03:25] Dr. Julia Bowlin: It was quiet, and nobody needed anything from me yet And after Ricky passed, I realized I liked that time of day. It was when I was the most productive, and my brain was clear. So I started building my day around it. Then grief settled in. I started sleeping later. I was more tired, and things weren't getting done, and I had to be honest with myself.
[00:03:52] Dr. Julia Bowlin: My capacity was very, very low, and I needed to give myself permission and space to heal, [00:04:00] so I let the early mornings go for a while. But lately, I've been slowly getting back on my feet, and I've noticed that there's no other time of the day when I'm that productive, so getting up early still fits me. And in the fall when it's dark outside, going to bed earlier works out better for me too.
[00:04:19] Dr. Julia Bowlin: I also get to watch the sky change before the sun comes up, which is one of the most beautiful parts of my day, and I feel so blessed and grateful for that. So I'm up again before the sun starts rising in the sky, and these days it's closer to five-thirty, though. But it's different this time. It started originally out of necessity, but now I'm choosing it, and here's what I notice when I look back at my mornings.
[00:04:46] Dr. Julia Bowlin: The habit barely changed since I was up early the whole time anyway, but the reason behind it changed again and again. At first, I was up because I couldn't sleep because of caretaking or my phone going [00:05:00] off with patient calls. Then I was up because I realized it was the only time I had for quiet and slow and a beautiful start to my morning.
[00:05:07] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And then I was up because I realized how much I loved it. Then I wasn't up at all because I had zero capacity. I was exhausted, and I needed rest. And now I'm up again because I choose, because it fits For most of those years, I wasn't deciding anything, life was deciding for me. First my sleep, then my circumstances.
[00:05:30] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Then deciding started when I stopped and asked, "Does this still fit me?" You see, letting getting up that early because of my grief, that was a decision too. I didn't fail at getting up early. I looked at what I had to give and I chose to rest, and that counts. I'm not belaboring this because I want you to start thinking a little bit about your life on that level.
[00:05:54] Dr. Julia Bowlin: So for me, keeping something on purpose and letting something go on purpose [00:06:00] are the same skill, and both start with a look at what's actually true right now. From the outside, keeping something and choosing it look exactly the same. The difference is on the inside of us, and here's the part that took me a while to see.
[00:06:18] Dr. Julia Bowlin: When getting up early was a necessity, pressure came with it. I need to, I have to, I must get this done, and that voice was really loud and it worked for me. Things got done. It was motivating, and they got done fast. Now I get up because I want to, and the voice has changed. It's quieter. It says, "I'm choosing this," because the work moves more slowly because I'm not pushing myself out of fear and lack of time constraints, and something in me still wonders whether slow is okay.
[00:06:56] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And I struggle with that 'cause I'm used to something outside of me [00:07:00] pushing me to be productive. So that's when I had to start really sort out my mornings. I choose the hour, and now I'm learning to choose how I spend it. And I think the question underneath all of that is really about control, and I wanna slow down here for a moment.
[00:07:17] Dr. Julia Bowlin: What I just described isn't unusual. Many of us do our best work while we're being pushed, and when the push goes away, we feel a little lost, as if something's wrong. Let me explain what I mean by control, because the brain pays close attention to it. In experiments that go back to the 1960s, researchers gave animals an unpleasant electric shock.
[00:07:43] Dr. Julia Bowlin: One group had a way to make the shocks stop. They had a choice. The other group got the same shocks but had no way to stop them. Later, both groups were put into a situation where getting away from the shock was easy. The animals that had been [00:08:00] able to stop the shocks before were more likely to get away.
[00:08:04] Dr. Julia Bowlin: The ones who had no say before didn't get away from the shocks, even though they could. So having some say, even a small one, changed how the animals coped with that situation, and scientists think part of the reason is a spot in the front of the brain. It notices when we have some say in what's happening, and when it does, it helps turn the body's stress response down.
[00:08:33] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Early studies in people suggest the same thing happens to us. So when we feel like we have a say, our bodies settle down, which is why choosing matters, not only for what we do, but how we feel about it while we do it. So here's how that showed up for me, and I want you to listen closely. When I had to be pushing myself to get things done, I'm doing something about the outcome, and that feels like I had a [00:09:00] choice, even when pushing was wearing me out.
[00:09:04] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And when I stop pushing, I'm trusting myself instead of doing, and trusting can feels like losing my grip a little bit. And that might be the part why so many of us say, "I work my best under pressure." And maybe it's the paper that gets written the night before it's due, procrastinating to the last minute, or the house that only gets cleaned when company is coming.
[00:09:29] Dr. Julia Bowlin: The push gives us the feeling that we're the ones making it happen. Here's what changes when we see it this way. Going slower isn't the same as falling behind. It may just be what it feels like to have a say in the matter without having the bad push behind it that feels a little negative, and that takes some getting used to.
[00:09:52] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Here's the one thing I'm learning to check personally. When the slow pace brings up worry or fear, I [00:10:00] have to ask myself, "Do I actually have a say here?" Because most days I do. The hour was my choice, and so is what I choose to work on. And this isn't who we are. It's a pattern our brains learned that pushing means I'm in control.
[00:10:17] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And once we can see it, that starts to loosen the push, but not the control. And here's where this gets practical. What didn't work at first was trying to talk myself out of the pressure. In other words, I was so used to the pressure, I just kept telling myself, "Stop pushing yourself so hard." Everybody around me, my sister, my mother, my husband, "Stop pushing yourself hard, so hard.
[00:10:43] Dr. Julia Bowlin: You don't need to do that," right? But when I told myself, "Stop pushing myself so hard Then I noticed I was pushing myself to stop pushing. I was putting pressure on myself to have less pressure, which would be funny if it [00:11:00] weren't so tiring, right? I was trying to convince myself to do something that I was so used to doing out of habit.
[00:11:06] Dr. Julia Bowlin: So what helped was noticing exactly what the old voice said when it showed up. It's right at the start when I sit down with my tea and the lists start talking in my head. I have to, I must, I must get going. That's another echo loop. It's an old pattern replaying in a place where it doesn't fit anymore. I don't have to have that pressure anymore.
[00:11:31] Dr. Julia Bowlin: My husband has passed. I don't have the caretaking. My job has changed. I don't have to go into the office like I used to and have constant repetitive pressure to perform faster and faster, to see more patients, to get more computer work done just so I could have a break to pee or a break to eat lunch in between meetings during lunch.
[00:11:52] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Right in that moment, there's a small gap before I respond, and I call it the pivot point, the [00:12:00] moment of a new choice, and inside that gap, I can ask a different question now. Not how do I make this happen, but what does this morning need from me? Right? Sometimes the answer is focused work. Sometimes it's a cup of slow tea and a few minutes of watching the sky change first.
[00:12:25] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Right? Being aware that I can make that choice, and both count. And here's what that can look like on an ordinary day. Picture sitting down to finish charts at the end of a long shift, right? The old voice might say, "I've got to get through every one of these before I can leave." At the pivot point, I can ask, "What does this stretch of time need from me right now?"
[00:12:49] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And maybe the answer is a glass of water and ten minutes of focused time first. The charts are the same. They're not going anywhere, but the way I get through them is [00:13:00] different. I choose a little self-care before I need to push through the charts. Or picture the kitchen at the end of a day, right, with dishes in the sink and a voice saying, "I should have this house under control.
[00:13:13] Dr. Julia Bowlin: This needs to get done now." But in that small pause, I can decide that tonight the dishes get washed, or that tonight they wait a minute while I sit down for ten minutes and enjoy the sunset. Right? Either one works as long as I chose it. Or picture a workout. Some mornings my voice might say, "If I skip today, the whole week is ruined."
[00:13:41] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Or in that pause, I can ask my body, what would it like today? Would it like a hard run or a gentle walk, or does it need a day of rest? Moving our bodies matter, but the pressure to do it perfectly isn't what [00:14:00] makes it matter. And picture a request. Someone asks for one more thing, and the voice inside us might say, "Yes, that's what a good person or a good mom or a good doctor or a good friend does."
[00:14:15] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Right there, we can take a breath before we answer and say, "Hmm, let me think about it and I'll get back to you." And that's a complete answer. In each of these examples, the tasks stay the same. What changes is who decides how it gets done. This isn't only about mornings. Maybe it's a job we do the way we've always done it because pressure kept it running.
[00:14:46] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Maybe it's a role we took on that now runs on, 'I should. I should do this.' Or maybe it's a routine we keep doing out of guilt even though it's no longer helping [00:15:00] us. For any of those, there are three questions I invite you to ask. What do I want to keep? What do I want to change? And what am I ready to let go of?
[00:15:14] Dr. Julia Bowlin: For my mornings, I am keeping the hour, I'm changing the push behind it, and I'm letting go of the must-do. This isn't just about swapping the words of I have to for I want to, because words alone don't hold if the body still expects the pushing and the pressure behind it. What changes is what I measure.
[00:15:39] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Pressure measures a morning by how much gets done, while choosing measures it by whether I showed up the way I wanted to. Slow doesn't mean failure, and rest is part of that choice. Going to bed earlier is what makes my morning [00:16:00] something I choose and not something I drag myself through. Here's something I've noticed about I have to's, right?
[00:16:08] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Quotes, I have to's. It makes everything feel equally urgent. The I have to get the charts done, I have to get the dishes done, I have to get the emails complete. I have to, I have to, I have to. And the favor someone asks of me, it just feels like emergencies, even though they're not all equally important.
[00:16:30] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Researchers at John Hopkins found something like this. In their experiments, people had to choose between two tasks. One wasn't very important, but it had a deadline coming up, like a coupon that was about to expire. The other mattered more, but had no deadline, like a medical checkup. Many people picked the coupon instead of doing the medical checkup just because it had a deadline, even though there was plenty of time to do it later.
[00:16:58] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And that decision [00:17:00] to pick up the coupon was strongest in people who thought themselves as busy. And we do the same thing every day. We answer a quick email, wipe down the counter, or say yes to a small favor, while the bigger things like having hard conversations or a project that matters or our own checkup keep waiting because there's no deadline.
[00:17:24] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And the researchers also found something hopeful. When people were reminded of what the important task would give them, right, the result, the pull towards the urgent ceased or eased, right? So when the pressure is loud, it can be hard to hear what matters most. Remembering something that gives us a positive in the end turned down the urgency less.
[00:17:53] Dr. Julia Bowlin: I'm gonna say that again, because this is a really important point. When people are reminded of what an [00:18:00] important task would give them, such as the medical checkup, you know, long life, healthier body, the pull towards the urgent thing, the expiring coupon, eased. So this is so important. So when pressure is loud, it can be hard to hear the things that matter most.
[00:18:19] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Remembering what something gives us can turn the volume back down. We have to think of the what matters most rather than what's feeling urgent. And I also wanna be fair about pressure. Pressure isn't always bad, and a real deadline is real. And when I pick pressure on purpose for a reason and for a short time, it can be a useful tool, no doubt.
[00:18:45] Dr. Julia Bowlin: The difference is who's choosing. At the pivot point, the question I'm learning to ask is, how important is this really? Or is it just something I just wanna do? Or is it a low [00:19:00] priority? That's the pivot point, asking those questions. How important is this really? Or is it something I just want to do? Or is it low priority and an easy checkoff?
[00:19:13] Dr. Julia Bowlin: So let's take a quiet moment here. Think about one thing in your life that runs on, "I have to." Let the first one that comes to your mind be the one. Doesn't matter. It might be small, like a morning routine, or even something bigger, like a role you've been holding onto for years. Now, with nothing to fix, picture the moment right before it begins, and notice what you hear yourself saying.
[00:19:45] Dr. Julia Bowlin: That's a small gap in your pivot point. And let yourself wonder, how important is this really? Is it something that truly matters, or is it something that you just want to do or something that can [00:20:00] wait? And maybe it matters more than I realized. Maybe it's something I simply enjoy. Maybe it's lower on the list than it felt.
[00:20:10] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And maybe the answer is I'm not sure yet. And all of those are allowed. And if what comes up is something you're carrying through a hard season like I went through, you don't have to decide anything about it today. I'm just encouraging you to notice that pivot point, that small gap between the thought and your behavior.
[00:20:34] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And I'm gonna give us a little moment here. Right? Before we begin, a quick note on the Unicity moment. It is a short guided experience, and it's a few minutes to slow down and turn inward. It isn't therapy, and it doesn't replace it, so please keep up any personal care you're getting from a therapist or a doctor and reach out to a professional or someone you trust if anything does come up [00:21:00] that feels more than what this moment calls for.
[00:21:02] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Because you are in control the whole time, you can open your eyes, change positions, or just listen or skip this part and come back. Take what's useful and leave the rest. And you know, if you're driving or operating machinery, keep your eyes open, folks. You're welcome just to listen. Now, find a position where your body can settle.
[00:21:23] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Whether you're seated or lying down or wherever you are, just let yourself settle for a minute. And if it feels comfortable, let your eyes close or just rest them softly and let the focus become softly in one spot. And notice the surface holding you up and the air on your skin and the weight of your hands.
[00:21:49] Dr. Julia Bowlin: You don't have to change any of it. Just notice. And now listen to the sounds around you. Some seem [00:22:00] near, some seem far, and let them just come and go, these sounds, just aware of them And let your breath get a little slower And on the next one, when you're breathing out just a little longer than when you breathed in
[00:22:28] Dr. Julia Bowlin: In and out slowly
[00:22:39] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Again, if a slower breath doesn't feel good, let whatever feels natural Now picture a window in front of you, and it's early and the house is quiet. Outside it still feels dark, and you're [00:23:00] standing close enough to window to feel the coolness from the glass And if a window doesn't feel right, maybe let it be a porch or a kitchen or a road at the first light of dawn of day.
[00:23:17] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Any place where you can watch the sky change
[00:23:24] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And let's count the next few breaths down together, starting at five Breathing in and breathing out
[00:23:39] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And next is four. Letting your body settle a little bit more
[00:23:48] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And when you're ready, three
[00:23:54] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And two
[00:23:59] Dr. Julia Bowlin: [00:24:00] And one. And notice the stillness of this hour, the quiet right before anybody needs anything There's a warm cup in your hand and ah, feels so good. Your hands simply resting comfortably with this beverage and nothing is waiting for you The air is cool and your body is warm, and there's all the time you need
[00:24:39] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And out past the glass, the sky has begun to change, and it's so slow that you can't see it move. But if you look away and look back, it's different. Whatever shades show up in the sky, let them be the ones that are right for you. [00:25:00] The sky isn't pushing and it isn't hurrying, and the day is still coming
[00:25:10] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Stay with that for a breath or two
[00:25:24] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And now if you'd like, let the list in your mind come to the forward and all the things that run on I have tos or I need tos or I musts, and you might even hear it in your own voice. It might sound like a list running through your mind. Let it be there. You don't have to argue with it. And right after you hear that voice in your head, notice what happens.
[00:25:59] Dr. Julia Bowlin: [00:26:00] Before you do anything, there's a small pause, like a pause between one breath and the next That pause is your pivot point. The moment you get to choose, and it doesn't have to be long, might even just be one breath is enough. But in the pause, the thought is just a thought, and you can simply breathe and wonder It's just a pause.
[00:26:39] Dr. Julia Bowlin: It's just a thought And now as the sky grows lighter, slowly let the light fall across that list Light doesn't push on anything. It simply shows what's there And some things on that list [00:27:00] might stand out clearly. Some might look softer than they felt in the dark And some might turn out to be things that you simply love You don't have to sort anything.
[00:27:18] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Just notice what the light shows
[00:27:24] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And if a question comes, let it be a simple one What matters most here?
[00:27:38] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And let the answer come in at its own time, the way the light does. Some answers come as words. Some come as feelings in our chest or a loosening or nothing at all All [00:28:00] of that is okay Whatever came up, let it rest here in the light. There's nothing to explain right now. The day still arrives even when we don't push it
[00:28:19] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And when you're ready, let the image of the daylight, of the window or the porch or wherever you may be seeing this beautiful day unfold, let it begin to fade, slowly bringing your attention back to your breath Take a slow breath in
[00:28:47] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And out
[00:28:51] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And begin to feel the surface beneath you and the weight of your body Hearing and [00:29:00] listening for sounds in the room both near and far
[00:29:07] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Move your fingers a little bit and your toes just a little bit, and that feels good. Just relaxed and gently moving
[00:29:19] Dr. Julia Bowlin: More aware and more clear. And when you're ready, you will eventually open your eyes feeling relaxed and calm, yet energized and clear for the rest of the day. Gently letting your eyes open when you're ready And sometimes this week, the thought of I have to or I need to might run through your mind over something ordinary, a pile of things, a full inbox, or a list that [00:30:00] is already too long.
[00:30:02] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And when that happens, you might recall the sky that kept changing without being pushed. And let a slow breath out when you notice that be your pivot point. Then ask, how important is this really? It can be that simple. The thought is allowed to be there, and you get to decide what comes next. You see, this month started with a simple idea.
[00:30:36] Dr. Julia Bowlin: A lot of our thoughts, our feelings, and behaviors were handed down to us before we ever chose them. Today's piece was about pressure. Choosing something doesn't automatically free us from the pressure that came with it. But there's a small pause, the pivot point, where we get to ask how important something really is.[00:31:00]
[00:31:00] Dr. Julia Bowlin: And that brings this month to a close, and it leads right on to the next one. Next month in November, Still Standing, The Art of the Comeback. And I'm going to be speaking about how people actually recover and rise. And while it isn't about pushing through everything at all costs, it's about adapting without losing ourselves.
[00:31:24] Dr. Julia Bowlin: If something in this episode stirred something loose for you, I'd love to hear about it. You can always find me and reach out through the links in the show notes. Thank you for spending this time with me. Until next time, may you be happy, be healthy, and be fulfilled.
[00:31:47] Outro: Thank you for listening to Mindset Medicine with your host, Dr. Julia Bowlin. To learn more about Mindset Medicine, go to www.juliabowlinmd.com and connect with Dr. Julia to find out [00:32:00] how our team can help you today. Join us again next week for more expert tips, tools, and strategies to become healthier, wealthier, and wiser in your personal and professional life.
