MM_E4 Moving On Isn't the Same as Letting Go_Audio
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Dr. Julia Bowlin: [00:00:00] Sometimes the hardest part of moving on isn't the leaving part, it's realizing that we're allowed to call it a loss, even when the decision was right
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Hey there. I'm Dr. Julia Bowlin, and you're listening to Mindset Medicine. This is your weekly dose of personal awareness, so take one deep breath and let this episode meet you where you are. This month, we have been sitting with one question underneath everything else. Who are we when the roles fall away?
Dr. Julia Bowlin: We look at plans that were supposed to help and didn't. We've looked at what happens when we stop waiting to feel ready. And last episode, we sat with what it costs to give everything we have to the people we love. And today, we are going somewhere a little different. Not what we give away, what we walk away from.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Because sometimes the hardest part of [00:01:00] moving on isn't the leaving part, it's realizing that we're allowed to call it a loss, that something just had to give up or give away, even when the decision was right. Here's a belief that a lot of us carry without saying it out loud. If a decision was the right one, we shouldn't feel any negativity or drag on the way out, right?
Dr. Julia Bowlin: It should be a clean choice, a clean exit without residue. But here's the thing. It's not just something we tell ourselves privately. Other people reinforce it too. They may say things like, "You seem so much happier now. This was clearly the right call," or, "You should be so relieved." All of it in kind, all of it well meant, and all of it quietly implying that any lingering weight on our end means maybe we're doing something wrong.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: But moving on and letting go aren't the same motion. Moving on is an action. [00:02:00] The new title, the new voicemail greeting, the calendar filling in with a different kind of a week. That's moving on. But letting go is internal. It's the pause before we answer, "So what do we do now?" A little differently than we used to.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: It's an old rhythm still running in the body long after the decision has been made. We can finish the first one completely and still be three years into the second That gap? That gap tends to hit hardest for people who are used to being the ones who handle things, who are praised for adapting fast, for not making a big deal out of a hard transition.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And the better we're at moving on, the easier it is to assume that we've also let go, and those are not the same skill. That gap between moving on and letting [00:03:00] go is what we're opening up today, not because it's something wrong, but because something mattered. I spent years being a family physician doctor.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Not just doing the job, being known as the person who did it. Patients who'd tell me about their grandkids before their symptoms. People who'd coming to me long enough that I knew their entire family tree. And when I made the decision to move into hospice and palliative care from family medicine, it wasn't a scandal.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: My colleagues weren't shocked. Mostly what I heard from people were things like, "Oh, that totally makes sense for you." My compassion, my coaching instincts, the way I'd always sat a little longer with hard conversations, it just fit. And still, for weeks before I told anyone, I barely slept. Not because I doubled the decision, because some part of me kept running the scene forward.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: What [00:04:00] would my patients think? Would they feel abandoned? Was I the kind of doctor who leaves people? And I laid there rehearsing conversations that hadn't even happened yet, bracing for people's reaction, and no one gave me them. And here's a pattern worth naming. We treat our own certainty about a decision like it should cancel out any of the loss from the decision, like it should cancel out the loss of relationships we spent years building, the loss of a daily rhythm we knew by heart, the loss of feeling certain about who we are in that role.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And when none of that disappears, when we know we did the right thing but we're still losing sleep over it, we assume something is wrong, that we're being overly dramatic, that we should be further along than we are because we made that decision. It's a little like knowing you'll never wear those old jeans [00:05:00] again, but you keep putting them in the donate pile and you taking them back out.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Or worse yet, you know you're never gonna wear them and you still never put them in the donate pile. 'Cause here's the thing, being sure isn't the same as being done. And when we notice that gap, the space between a decision and the rest of us catching up, a lot of us rush to explain it away or say sorry for it or push through faster so no one sees us still standing there holding our jeans.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: We've been taught that lingering feelings about making the right call makes us look unsure, so we act certain instead of just being certain, and that usually slows the whole processing thing down. But the loss showing up doesn't mean the decision was wrong. It usually means the relationships, the rhythm, the who we [00:06:00] are in the previous role, and the certainty we're leaving behind actually mattered to us.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: It was important. Both things can be true in the same body at the same time. So here's the distinction I have come to lean on. Moving on is what we do, and letting go is what we feel our way through, often on a completely different timeline, sometimes long after the moving on is finished. Again, moving on is a decision.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: We make the call, we take the action, and it's done. Letting go doesn't work that way. It's less like flipping a switch and more like a bruise that's fading. We just stop bumping into it, but the color takes its own time to go away, whether we're ready or not. And that's because we spend years building something, the relationships, the [00:07:00] rhythm, the certainty about who we are inside of that role.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: We didn't just get a job or a role out of it. We get a thread woven into how we understand ourselves. And cutting that thread and untangling it aren't at the same moment. The cutting can happen in a single conversation. The untangling can take a lot longer, and we don't get to choose which parts of an identity release themselves on a schedule.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: I could be entirely confident I made the right call and still catch my breath months later over what I left behind. That's not a failure to move on. That's just how attachment works. It doesn't clock out the moment that we do. Attachment's a real thing. So let me say this for a second, because there's a reason the attachments linger the way they do.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: M- for me, those sleepless nights before I [00:08:00] told anyone I was leaving weren't a sign that the decision was wrong. They're common, the kind of thing most of us go through before a big change, whether we talk about it or not. And here's what's actually happening. Our brains don't wait for something to occur before it reacts to it.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Our brain runs simulations, rehearsing conversations before we even have it to brace us for a reaction before anyone's ever given us one. This is what's called anticipatory processing, the brain treating an imagined future as real enough to prepare for it. It activates the same stress response, racing thoughts, a restless body, disrupted sleep, as if the thing were happening in the room right now, not just behind our eyes.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: For me, that meant lying awake weeks before I said a [00:09:00] word to my patients, rehearsing their faces, their questions, imagining being told I was giving up on them, abandoning them. None of which happened, right? It didn't even happen that way, but yet I was rehearsing it, and most of which never happened at all.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: But this doesn't only show up in our small transitions, right? It shows up in the biggest ones, too. When my husband was dying of cancer, over two years of knowing, somewhere underneath everything, what was coming. My mind ran through every scenario it could find. What would life look like without him? How would I manage the parts of my day I couldn't picture managing alone?
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Who'd I even be on the other side? None of that had happened yet, and still, in my anticipation, some days it felt like I was living it already. That's anticipatory [00:10:00] processing at its most intense. The brain doesn't wait for a loss to be official before it starts preparing for it. It starts building the loss in advance, trying to soften a blow it can already sense that's coming.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: That's not weakness, and it isn't giving up on hope. It's the same mechanism that kept me up over my patients, just turned up as high as it goes. The exhaustion, in both cases, wasn't proof that anything was wrong. It was my brain trying to protect me from something before it arrived, and a lot of what it rehearsed never happened, right?
Dr. Julia Bowlin: A lot of the things my brain rehearsed tried to prepare for anticipatory planning, even anticipatory grieving in my case Never happened the way I'd braced for it. So here's a small shift worth trying on. What if the [00:11:00] dread that shows up before a hard loss, big or small, isn't a signal to stop? What if it's just a brain doing what brains do, preparing us for a future it can't see clearly?
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And this isn't a sign that something is wrong. It's a pattern the brain runs to keep us safe, which I talk about a lot. And once we see it running, it stops running us. And I'm gonna say that again 'cause it's really important. Once we see that our brain is doing what it's doing and it's running, then we can stop having our brain run us.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And the move here isn't to talk ourselves out of the dread. It's to separate what the brain is rehearsing from what it actually true right now. I'll say that again 'cause it deserves repeat. The move here isn't to talk ourselves out of dread. It's to separate what the brain is rehearsing from what is actually true right now [00:12:00] There was a night a few weeks before I told my patients that I was leaving when I caught myself running the same imagined conversation for at least the fourth time.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: The same disappointed faces, the same accusations. It was the same script, and I remember thinking to myself, "I've now had this conversation a billion times," right? More times than I could count, and that's not information. That's just a tired brain running on a loop. It was different with my husband, but it was still the same underlying thing.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Some nights the dread wasn't about one conversation. It was about a whole future I couldn't picture, and it was running on repeat, and it was uninvited. I did not want it, and the shift wasn't pretending it wasn't happening. It was noticing, this is my mind trying to prepare me for something it can't actually prepare me for.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: You [00:13:00] can't rehearse a loss like that in advance and get it right. Nobody can. I thought I could. Even my sister said, "You can prepare all you want, but you're still gonna have to go through it once it happens." Right? So when the imagined conversations start, the judgment, the disappointed faces, the future we're bracing ourselves for, we can name it for what it is.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: It's just a rehearsal, not prophecy. It's just a rehearsal. It's not a prophecy about the future. It's just a very protective, slightly overactive part of the brain working overtime, not a preview of what's coming. It's so important to get that. That's not a technique for making the dread disappear. It's a way of holding it differently, just a little differently, so it stops feeling like evidence against a decision we're [00:14:00] making and starts looking like what it actually is.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: The cost of caring about something enough to feel its edges out on the way, just feeling all the different edges about a decision. So I ask you, where in your life right now might you already be moving on while some part of you is still trying to catch up about letting go? Where in your life right now might you already be moving on, moving forward, while part of you is still trying to catch up in the process of letting go?
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Just sit with that. No need to answer it today So before we move into this next part, if it's new to you, the Unicity moment is a short guided experience. It's part hypnotherapy, part nervous system reset, and part simply making some space. It isn't therapy, and it isn't a replacement for [00:15:00] it. And before we begin, I want to offer a gentle note.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: What we're about to do is guided experience. It's an invitation to slow down and turn inward. You are always in control. You can open your eyes at any time. You can adjust your position or simply listen without participating. There is nothing you have to do. Just receive what's useful and just leave the rest.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: This isn't a substitute for therapy. If something difficult comes up and you need support, please reach out to someone you trust, or better yet, a licensed therapist. And if today just isn't the day for you, that's completely fine. Just skip ahead, all right? And if you're driving, I've said this before, or operating any machinery, don't close your eyes during this section.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: You're welcome to listen and stay present with the road. Or maybe just save this part for when you can be still. So wherever you are, let your body settle in a little more than it was a moment ago. [00:16:00] There's nothing else you need to be doing for the next few minutes. And take a slow breath in.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Letting it go longer than what feels necessary
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And again, in through the nose
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And out however it wants to leave, through the nose, through the mouth. With each exhale, let your shoulders drop just a little more and let whatever is holding you up right now, whether it's a chair, the floor, the ground, the bed beneath you, just let it hold a little more of your weight, allowing yourself to be held And picture, if you're willing, a threshold.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: It could be a doorway, a gate, the edge of a shoreline, whatever shows up for you[00:17:00]
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And notice what's beneath your feet there
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Notice the temperature of the air or any sound nearby, near or far. There's no right image. Wherever you arrive is enough. On one side of the threshold is a room that's held a version of you, the one who built something, who shows up for people. It means something, this place. And on the other side is an open path, still forming.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: You don't have to choose between honoring a room or walking the path You might notice that you're allowed to take something small with you, a smell, a color, an object, a feeling, without needing to carry all of it [00:18:00] However that felt, mixed, quiet, unclear, nothing at all, let this place be exactly what it is
Dr. Julia Bowlin: There's nothing to solve here, just noticing
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Again, standing in the threshold in a room that's held a version of you, built on something, those people you showed up for, all the meaning on this side. And in front of you, a beautiful walking path that you get to choose should you go down it. Comfortable, safe, new[00:19:00]
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Just an opportunity
Dr. Julia Bowlin: There's nothing to solve. Let it be exactly what it is
Dr. Julia Bowlin: And slowly start to feel the edges of the room around you. You know that path is in front of you, and it's okay to go there should you choose. It's also a nice, beautiful room that you came from that you get to choose to stay. But either way, you know a future path is available. Now you're noticing the surfaces beneath you, the temperature of the air.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Start to wiggle your fingers and your toes and deepen your breath maybe stretching. And when you're ready, no rush, gently let your eyes open.[00:20:00]
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Whatever we've walked away from, and whatever's still walking beside us, may we carry it a little more gently than we did before without judgment
Dr. Julia Bowlin: This episode was never really about hospice or family medicine or any job or even my husband. It was about the fact that leaving something, even the right something, can still cost us. The cost isn't a verdict on a decision. It's just proof that the thing was real and it mattered. And if you're moving through something like this, there's likely no timeline you're behind on, because letting go doesn't clock in when the moving forward clocks out.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: There's a couple of books that helped me. It helped me find some language for this while I [00:21:00] was actually in it, and I'm gonna drop those in the show notes just in case they might land for you, too. And next time, we're bringing this whole month together. We're gonna talk about what actually has left once the labels fall away.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: It's the one thing I've been building towards this entire season, and I mean that. If any part of today's episode stays with you, I would genuinely love to hear about it. You can always find me at my website, juliabowlinmd.com, or on any of my social links in the show notes. Thank you so much for spending this time with me, and until next time, may you be happy, be healthy, and be fulfilled.
Dr. Julia Bowlin: Thank you for listening to Mindset Medicine with your host, Dr. Julia Bowlin. To learn more about Mindset Medicine, go to www.juliabowlinmd.com and connect with Dr. Julia to find out how our [00:22:00] team can help you today. Join us again next week for more expert tips, tools, and strategies to become healthier, wealthier, and wiser in your personal and professional life.
