MMS_EP3 You’re Not Who You Were Now_AUDIO
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Dr. Julia Bowlin: [00:00:00] I actually don't need to rush into becoming the next version of myself. I just need to stop forcing myself to be the old one.
Hi there. I'm Dr. Julia Bowlin and this is Mindset Medicine. Take one deep breath and just let this episode meet you where you are. There are moments in life. Don't just change your circumstances. They change you. And when that happens, it's not just about figuring out what to do next. It's about understanding who you are now.
And that sounds simple until you're actually in it, because there's a space that opens up where a version of you that used to exist might not quite fit anymore. The version of you that's here now might not be fully clear yet either, and that space can feel confusing. It can feel quiet in a [00:01:00] way that's kind of just unfamiliar.
Like something just feels off even when nothing is actually wrong. And what I wanna talk about today is that space, not how to fix it, not how to rush it. But how to understand it so I don't start making myself wrong inside of it. And before I go any further, I want to name something you might have noticed in these April episodes.
The tone might feel a little different, a little quieter, a little more reflective than what I've done in the past. That's intentional, not because there's something wrong with me, but because I'm allowing the content to come from where I actually am, not where I think I should be. I'm trying not to overanalyze this content this month.
So. Sometimes it's a little less pushing, a little less structured and more a little kind of just witnessing or noticing giving myself more space. Because you know, what I found is that when life is shifting, like it is for me right now, the way we or I process it and the way we speak about it shifts too.
So [00:02:00] I'm still allowing it to happen to unfold. So if this feels a little different, it's, and that difference is a part of what this episode is really about. So last episode I talked about. A capacity gap, that space in between where we think we should be able to perform and where we actually are. And in this section I wanna talk about the identity gap.
There's a moment that happens and it doesn't always announce itself, and it could be subtle. For example, I'll walk into a room, I'll go to do something I've done a thousand times, and something about it just feels different. Now, it may not be dramatic, not overwhelming. Just off. And it's easy to brush that off and just tell myself I'm tired or distracted, or just having a moment.
But when those moments start stacking, that's when I know something deeper is shifting. Because what's actually changing isn't my routine, it's my identity. Identity isn't [00:03:00] something I think about every day. It just runs quietly in my background and it shapes how I move through my day, how I respond to people, what feels normal and what feels like me.
And when something in life changes in a meaningful way, that internal map doesn't instantly update. So now I'm moving through life with a version of me that was built for a different reality. I'm no longer married, I'm a widow, and that doesn't feel like an identity have been ready to absorb. And when I had to put a loan for my home equity line of credit that I was unmarried, I actually got kind of mad because I wanted to say I'm a widow.
I'm not unmarried. 'cause in my heart, my brain, my emotions, my daily life, I'm still married. So there's a massive identity gap there. And. Now that I'm moving through life with a version of me that was built for a different reality, I'm feeling this gap and it is an [00:04:00] identity gap where the old version of me doesn't fully fit and the new version of me isn't fully formed.
And that gap, it can feel really, really confusing, like inconsistency, like I should be handling things better than I am. Or wondering why Something that used to feel really easy suddenly feels strange. I. But this is the part that I've had to really slow down and understand. This isn't me losing myself.
This is me not fully recognizing who I am yet. I don't know who myself is quite yet, and sometimes that realization shows up in ways I don't expect. Again, walking into a space and seeing different versions of the same person, one where everything looks full, vibrant, alive. My typical chatty. You know, I don't know.
I'm just typically kind of bubbly by nature and another where I can see what I've been [00:05:00] through and, and both of these are real and neither of them fully match what's here right now with me. And something in me just has to pause, not because I don't understand what happened. 'cause trust me, I totally do.
But because there isn't a clean place to put myself quite yet in some of these moments, and that's what this is, it's not confusing. It's not confusion because something's wrong. It's a natural result of a life that has changed. It's changed before. My internal sense of self has had a time to catch up.
And here's where it gets even more interesting, because even as things are changing, there's a part of me that keeps trying to go back. Not consciously, not in some big dramatic way, but in quiet moments, automatic moments where my mind reaches for the version of me that used to know exactly how to be, how to behave, how to think, how to feel, how to act, and sometimes my body [00:06:00] follows, like catching myself, pacing, not even realizing I'm doing it, just moving through the same space.
Like something is going to click back into place if I keep going and then I notice it. And I stopped and I had to bring myself back, not because anything is wrong, but because something has changed and it shows up in smaller ways too, like cooking something I've done a thousand times. But lately, it's not the action that feels different, it's everything around me.
The sounds or really the absence of it. But even though I used to hate having the TV on, especially the news, when my husband would sit in the living room, it would drive me insane. Some of that news. There was still something about it, that kind of presence in the room, something that made it feel less quiet.
And now the silence really feels loud, not peaceful, just noticeable. The kind of [00:07:00] quiet where I suddenly feel very aware of myself, and if I'm being honest. It's a little lonely, and this is where my brain does something very, very human. It tries to fix that feeling by reaching backwards, trying to recreate what used to feel normal, because familiar feels safer than the unfamiliar, even when it doesn't actually fit anymore.
And sometimes I catch myself doing things that are honestly kind of funny, like walking into a room with total confidence, fully convinced. I know exactly why I am there. And then just standing there and looking around like, okay, what was the plan here? And for a second it feels like I forgot. But it's not really that.
It's the old version of me who walked in with clarity and that person isn't running things in the same way anymore. There's a pull to [00:08:00] go back to back to how it used to be. Not because it fits, but because it was known and noticing that pole without automatically following it. That's where something starts to open up.
I hope this understands. It's like it's a weird transition and I wanna pause here for a second because what's happening isn't random. My brain builds identity the same way. It builds habits through repetition roles and patterns over time. So the version of me. Experience isn't fixed. It's something my brain has learned to predict for a long time.
For the past model was really clear. It was efficient, it was reliable, but life changed and that model didn't instantly update for me. So now my brain is still running on past predictions based on the version of me that was built for a different reality, and that's where my off feeling is coming from.[00:09:00]
Not because something is wrong, but because there's a mismatch between what my brain expects and what's happening, and this is where I've seen it in real time, like the moment with the bees that I talked about in the last episode where I went into a patient's house and I thought there were flies bouncing off my head only to find out later that there was a bees swarm out there.
I wasn't afraid going into the house, but I was afraid coming outta the house when they said to me, be careful of the bees out there. So thinking something is one thing, right? And then realizing it's something else entirely. It was the same environment, same input, but a completely different experience.
When I went back out to the car, I was in panic and in fear and checking my car to see if any bees got in there. And that's what's happening here is my brain is still interpreting everything through an older version of me. And when that doesn't match, it creates a feeling of unease. But this isn't instability.
It's just my brain updating [00:10:00] things in real time. This isn't who I am, it's just the pattern that my brain is still running. And once I notice that, that's when things can begin to shift. And that's what I want you to start thinking about. Like when in your life are you still operating on the previous identity of who you are?
That just doesn't feel. Comfortable. It's not right for this present moment anymore, and that you need to start to be aware so that you can start to shift. There are also moments that don't look like much on the surface, but might land heavier than expected. For example, I brought this up before, like opening something simple, an account, a login, Netflix, audible, Delta, I mentioned these previously.
These are all things that my husband had in his name and then realizing everything's still there. I flipped it over to me, but it still has his picture in there. Still has his books in there. Still has his [00:11:00] miles in there, right? So now I open it up and then it hits little things over and over again. Not all at once.
Just a quick wave saying hi. Yeah, a reminder, something has changed here and it's easy to think those moments shouldn't matter, right? Like I can get over all this. But those moments do because identity isn't just built in big moments, it's built in small, repeated ones. And when those shifts, I feel it. I really feel it.
So I wanna slow down for a moment, not to change anything, just to let a few things settle in and then it feels comfortable. Take a good deep breath, nothing forced, and just notice it as I sit here. There may be a part of me that feels familiar and another part that doesn't feel fully defined yet, and instead of just trying to figure that out, just noticing [00:12:00] that both can exist at the same time.
There's a version of me that is lived everywhere I've lived, and there's also a version of me that is here now, even if I don't fully recognize her yet, and in this awareness. There can be just a little space, not clarity, not certainty, just space and maybe, maybe I have to let that be enough for now.
There's a subtle pressure that shows up in moments of change like this. It's not loud, it's not obvious, but it's there. This sense of, I should have had this all figured out by now, that I should be able to explain it, define it, know exactly who I am in this version of my life. What I've noticed is that the more I try to do that, the more it doesn't quite land, because this version of me now, this widowed version, this change from a family practice doctor to a hospice [00:13:00] medical director from being, you know, having a partner in this life of my children to being a single mother.
Now, this isn't something I can think my way into. It's something that is absolutely still unfolding. That shift did not happen all at once. It's showing up in those small moments where instead of trying to define everything, I'm just starting to notice what's feeling different, right? My daughter can't reach out to her dad anymore.
They had lots of conversations. It's time for me to start reaching out to her what feels quieter, what feels unfamiliar without rushing or explaining it, and that changes the experience. Because clarity doesn't just come from force, it comes from space. And space not always has been comfortable for me. I have filled up typically every second of the day, and I'm having to [00:14:00] intentionally create space for reflection, space for recognition that this is not a normal for me anymore space that I have to recognize that change is going to happen.
I can't force it. I just have to witness it and all these little things, especially when things feel uncertain. And what I'm learning now is that I actually don't need to rush into becoming the next version of myself. I just need to stop forcing myself to be the old one. Ever feel that before? Trying to fit into a mold of who you used to be.
It just doesn't quite fit, like getting back with old friends from high school. When you're 60, you're not the same person. Don't be the same person. Figure out who you are in this new space. And there's also a really practical side to this, and why I am sharing this with [00:15:00] you. Because this is a mindset medicine integration and this is, that's, I'm hoping it's coming across clear, but it's not a fix it kind of way.
It's not like there's something wrong, but in a way that helps me stay grounded in it. And it's one of the biggest things I've started noticing is the language I'm using with myself. And I've always been really cognitive and and aware of making sure that I'm not beating myself in my head because I used to be a really big abuser of my own mental thoughts.
There's a difference now between, I used to do this and right now this feels different, right? So I'm changing the language from, I used to be able to do this. I used to always be like this. I had to do it this way, or that's what worked for me to, right now, this feels different and that one shift changes more than it seems because I used to keep.
All those thoughts of what I used to, that I used [00:16:00] to in the past kept pulling me backwards. It kept anchoring me to a version of myself that existed in a different context, but right now using the words, but right now keeps me connected to what's actually here right now, even if it's unfamiliar, even if it's still taking shape.
And the other piece about all this. Is letting go of the expectations that things should feel the same way they used to. Because when I expect that every difference feels like there's something wrong, but when they allow things to be different, even slightly, there's less resistance. Not necessarily easy, not instant comfort by any means, but definitely less friction, and that matters more than I realize.
Let's go ahead and wrap up this episode. What I've been describing here [00:17:00] isn't confusion, it's transition. It's what's happens when life changes in a way that reshapes how I move through it before my internal sense of who I am has had a time to catch up. That's that gap. It's that space in between where things feel unfamiliar, where reactions aren't what they used to be, where even simple moments land differently.
That that space can feel disorienting. It can feel like something is off. Like something should be clearer now and without realizing it, it's easier to start questioning myself inside that, that something's wrong, blaming myself. But what I'm seeing more clearly now is that this isn't a problem to solve.
It's not a difference, it's just an identity gap, and it's a process to recognize because the moment I labeled this as confusion. Or something and needs to be fixed. I start creating a pressure that doesn't really belong there and that pressure could pull me away from what's [00:18:00] actually happening. And what's actually happening is that my brain is still running patterns from a previous version of me that was built in different contexts, married, family, practice, doc, partner, a life shared, and my life has changed.
Before those patterns have fully caught up to me now, and that's what mindset medicine really lives. That's where mindset medicine really lives. Not enforcing a new identity, not trying to override what I'm feeling, but in recognizing the pattern without becoming it. Because when I can see that clearly there's just a little bit more space, a little less urgency and a little less internal pressure to figure everything out.
All at once. And in that space, something steadier starts to emerge. Not fully formed, not fully [00:19:00] defined by any means, but present because there is a version of me here. Even if she doesn't fully feel clear yet, even if she doesn't move the same way yet, even if she still quiet, she's not missing, she's emerging.
Maybe the most important takeaway in all of this is that not everything that feels unfamiliar is a sign that something's wrong. Sometimes it's just a sign that something is changing, maybe changing at a level that just hasn't fully made sense yet, and allowing space for that without rushing to solve it or resolve it without pulling myself backwards in a previous version of myself.
Allowing space for that and those changes is how I'm gonna move forward. And I hope you tend to, I hope you can recognize moments in your life or life changing, whether big or small, [00:20:00] where your present version of yourself may be different than in what it was before and how you might be allowing yourself to allow change.
All right. And in the next episode, I'm gonna move into what happens after this space, when decisions start to return, and how to begin trusting decisions again, not from who I used to be, but from who I'm becoming. Thank you for spending time with me and being patient with me in these April episodes.
Until next time, may you be happy. Be healthy and be fulfilled.
Thank you for listening to Mindset Medicine with your host, Dr. Julia Bowlin. To learn more about mindset medicine, go to www.juliabowlinmd.com and connect with Dr. Julia to find out how our team can help you today. Join us again next week for more expert tips, tools, and [00:21:00] strategies to become healthier, wealthier, and wiser in your personal and professional life.
