MMS_MoneyandMeaning_AUDIO
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[00:00:00] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Money just isn't a tool. It's a relationship shaped by history, emotions, safety, and identity. This isn't about fixing money, it's about understanding the relationship because when a relationship becomes conscious choice returns.
[00:00:22] Hi there. I'm Dr. Julia Bowlin, and this is Mindset Medicine. Let's start here. Every month inside of mindset medicine, I choose a focus that helps make sense of stress or how our brain is working, how we think, feel, and behave, not by just fixing behavior, but by understanding our relationships. Earlier this month, I explored expectations and assumptions.
[00:00:45] Those are the invisible agreements we carry about and how we feel life, work, and relationships are supposed to function. Once those assumptions start to loosen, one relationship almost always comes into view. The [00:01:00] relationship with money. Money just isn't a tool. It's a relationship shaped by history, emotions, safety, and identity.
[00:01:09] It's where expectations worth scarcity and control quietly collide. So this month we're not talking about budgets, hustle, or financial advice. No, I am not a financial advisor. We're looking at how relationships with money are formed often, early, often, silently, and how that relationship now influences your stress, decisions, boundaries, and self-trust.
[00:01:37] This isn't about fixing money, it's about understanding the relationship, because when a relationship becomes conscious. Choice returns. If this work resonates you and you want to continue the conversation. Beyond the podcast, I share reflections and updates about future life conversations through my newsletters and events.
[00:01:56] These are often offered without pressure, so for now though, [00:02:00] let's be in the space to listen, reflect, and bring clarity to a relationship that touches nearly every part of our lives. This episode is about the relationship with money. Not income, not spending, and not strategy relationship, the way money learned to represent safety or threat, the way it became tied to worth our worth, our independence, our responsibility or our control, and the way it shows up emotionally before it ever shows up practically in this conversation, we're not trying to improve the relationship.
[00:02:37] We're trying to understand it because money is an energetic exchange, layered with meaning, value, and priority. And sometimes our sense of self quietly sets the rules for what we believe we should earn, receive, or allow. And clarity doesn't come from doing more. It comes from seeing more, and that's where we're gonna begin.[00:03:00]
[00:03:00] So what happens when money stopped being neutral? At some point, oftentimes in our life, money often stops being that neutral place. And it's not just because it mattered more, but because it started carrying meaning. It was never designed to hold, and for most people, money didn't enter their life as a spreadsheet.
[00:03:20] It entered as a tone, as tension, as silence, as arguments behind doors or maybe as comments overheard maybe as fear, pride, relief. Guilt control, and none of that required explanation to be absorbed. Money became emotional before it ever became conscious. A child doesn't need a lecture on finance to learn what money means.
[00:03:47] They learn by watching what happens when money is present and when it's not. They learn who relaxes and who tightens, who apologizes, and who defers, who holds the power. [00:04:00] They learn whether money brings safety. Or subtle constraint. I didn't understand this fully until much later, but growing up I watched my mother, she was an RN and by training, and she worked in emergency rooms.
[00:04:13] She chose to stay home to be with us kids, but what I didn't know as a child, but came to me later, was that she was given a monthly stipend from my father who was a doctor. And that arrangement mattered, not in a traumatic way, in a quiet, tethered way. She often sometimes felt limited by it, dependent, careful, apprehensive, and she was very clear with my sister and me that she did not want that for us.
[00:04:38] She wanted us women to have our own financial control, and guess what? We became doctors, our own autonomy. She wanted us to never feel dependent on a man for security or for choice. Not because it was bad, but because she had this odd, tethered relationship with money. And as a result, the stipend [00:05:00] that she was given and then intention for my father and my mother did come with love, but it carried weight.
[00:05:06] And when I was deep into gymnastics and I needed money for my monthly gym fees. She would tell me very plainly that this was very uncomfortable. It was very anxiety provoking, and she didn't want me to continue doing this, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I think it came out of her own stipend.
[00:05:23] So it was not only her stipend, but the limiting belief that money should have gone somewhere else instead of to the gym. And there was no shaming in her voice. It was just meaning she was a little bit panicky that that money was going to a gym fee instead of something else. That meaning landed. What I absorbed wasn't numbers.
[00:05:44] It was impact. I learned it that asking for money came with a cost, that my needs reduced her freedom, and that money was finite. It was personal, and it was emotionally charged Over time. That created some resentment on her side [00:06:00] and guilt on mine. I started feeling bad when I had to ask her. Careful, scared, self-limited.
[00:06:08] I was quietly calculated whether I was worth the expense. No one taught me that directly. Money taught me that, and that's how it works for most of us. Money becomes symbolic long before it becomes logical. So when adults leaders struggle with money, overthinking it, avoiding it, gripping it tightly, feeling uneasy, receiving support, that struggle didn't come from a lack of discipline or intelligence.
[00:06:37] It came from meaning layered early, quietly, and repeatedly. And here's something that's important. That meaning usually makes sense at the time. If money meant dependence, autonomy became the goal. If money meant burden, self-sufficiency became protection, [00:07:00] and if money meant limitation, control felt safer.
[00:07:06] Those responses aren't flaws. They're adaptations. The problem isn't that money took on meaning. The problem is that most people never get a chance to revisit whether those meanings are still necessary. So money stays loaded in our brain. It's charged, it's reactive. It causes something that oftentimes hits our buttons.
[00:07:27] Not because math is wrong, but because the relationship that we have with money may never have been renegotiated from our childhood assumptions and expectations. And this is where clarity begins, not by asking how do I fix my money habits, but by asking when did money stop being neutral for me? Because when that question is allowed, without judgment, without urgency, something subtle but very powerful begins to happen, the nervous system relaxes [00:08:00] just enough to notice this was never just about money.
[00:08:06] Alright, so let's talk about money, safety, not greed, but safety. Most money, stress isn't driven by greed, it's driven by safety. Because we don't name it that way. People end up judging themselves for responses that are actually protective. Think about the person who constantly checks their bank account, even when there's enough money in there.
[00:08:28] The numbers haven't changed, but the body isn't settled. Or the person that keeps saying yes to extra work, extra hours, extra responsibility, not because they want more, but because slowing down feels risky. What about the person who avoids looking at their finances altogether? Not because they're careless, but because every glance floods their system with dread.
[00:08:53] Those aren't character flaws. They're nervous system strategies. The body doesn't ask, is this [00:09:00] logical? It's asking, am I safe? I've seen this play out clinically and personally over and over again. Someone can have a stable income savings in the bank and no immediate financial threat, and still feel like one unexpected expense could knock everything down.
[00:09:23] So they brace, they over prepare. They're never quite able to exhale and release. Another person might earn well but feel deeply uncomfortable receiving help, support, or generosity. Accepting feels like risk. It feels like obligation. It feels like a loss of control. Independence becomes safety even when it costs an individual, their rest, connection or ease.
[00:09:53] And then there's the opposite pattern, maybe a little quiet panic that shows up as avoidance. [00:10:00] Bills don't get opened, decisions get delayed. Conversations might be postponed, not because a person doesn't care, but because a nervous system learned long ago that money equals overwhelm. But here's what matters.
[00:10:17] All of these patterns are about protection, not desire. When safety was inconsistent early on emotionally, financially, and relationally, the body learned to associate money with threat. And once that association is made, folks, it doesn't disappear just because our circumstances improve. This is why reassurance rarely works.
[00:10:40] You can tell someone they're fine. You can show them the numbers, that they're fine. You can even explain the plan, and the body still says not yet. Because safety isn't restored through information, it's restored through regulation. One of the most common stories I hear sounds a little [00:11:00] bit like this. I don't need a lot.
[00:11:02] I just wanna feel like I won't fall apart if something goes wrong, that's not greed, that's a nervous system that never got the message. That's okay to stand down. And here's the part that often surprises people. More money doesn't automatically create more safety. If safety was learned through vigilance control or over-functioning, then even abundance can feel unsafe.
[00:11:29] The goalpost keeps moving. The tension stays. Which is why so many high functioning people capable, successful people still feel financially on edge. Not because they're doing it wrong, but because their system is still operating on an old map. And this is a pivot point. Instead of asking, how do I stop worrying about money?
[00:11:54] The more honest question is, is what does my body think money is protecting me [00:12:00] from? I'm gonna pause a second on that. What does my body think money is protecting me from? Because once safety is addressed at the level it was formed, not shamed. Not rushed, not argued with money starts loosening its grip.
[00:12:20] Not because it matters less, but because it no longer has to do with the job of survival.
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[00:13:33] Dr. Julia Bowlin: All right, well, let's talk about how money can get directly connected to our self-worth. I call this worth attachment. At some point, money stopped being about safety and started being about worth for some people, and it's not always obvious. It could be quiet, sometimes polite, sometimes dressed up as responsibility, ambition, or just wanting to be secure.
[00:13:59] Money becomes [00:14:00] proof. Proof that you're competent, proof that you're contributing, proof that you're not a burden, proof that you belong. And when money carries the kind of meaning like that, it doesn't just fund your life, it starts to verify your identity. And this is where so many high functioning people get stuck because once worth is tied to earning, producing, or achieving.
[00:14:27] Rest starts to feel dangerous. Receiving starts to feel undeserved and slowing down can feel like disappearance. I see this pattern all the time in people who are capable, driven, and deeply conscientious. They don't say, my worth depends on my money. They say things like, I just wanna pull my weight. I don't wanna rely on anyone.
[00:14:54] I need to earn my place. Or I should be able to handle this. [00:15:00] Those sound reasonable. They also reveal a quiet transaction happening underneath that money becomes the receipt that says, I'm allowed to be here. I'm worthy. And what's important to understand is that this statement, this attachment, often forms very early in our lives in very subtle ways.
[00:15:27] Worth may be linked to performance praise may have followed achievement, stability may have depended on contribution and approval may have been conditional. So the system learned, do more be useful, don't cost too much, and money became the cleanest, most measurable standin for that equation. Folks, this is why.
[00:15:56] Both underearning and over-ear can come from the same [00:16:00] place. One person may stay small, self-limiting and underpaid because asking for more feels like asking for too much. Another may over-function, overachieve and over earn because stopping feels like losing value. Different strategies, same route.
[00:16:19] Neither is wrong, but both are protective. The trouble starts when money becomes the only language worth knowing. It then happens is that every financial decision carries emotional weight, that it was never meant to bear. Spending feels loaded. Receiving feels uncomfortable, needing helps feel like failure, and enough in quotes.
[00:16:43] Becomes impossible to find because worth doesn't have a finish line. This is where the untangling matters, not to eliminate your ambition, not to disengage from purpose or contribution, but to release money from the job of proving [00:17:00] something about your right to exist in this world when worth is reclaimed as inherent earned through being, not doing.
[00:17:13] Money can return to its proper role. I'm gonna say that again. When our worth is reclaimed as inherent, it's earned just by being a human, not by doing money can return to its proper role. It can be supportive, it can be a tool, it can be a resource, not a verdict, and something subtle here, but very powerful shifts.
[00:17:39] Drive becomes cleaner. Choice becomes real and success no longer has to carry the weight of self-justification. That was a big, big section right there. And before I move on, I just want us to sit in that a little bit. Money oftentimes is directly connected to our self-worth, [00:18:00] and I want us to recognize that relationship Next.
[00:18:04] Scarcity is something I really wanna talk about. Scarcity isn't just about not having enough. It's about remembering what it felt like when there wasn't enough and never being able to feel sure that the moment won't return. That's why scarcity doesn't disappear when our circumstances improve, because scarcity is a memory, it's built into our system is not a moral failure, and someone can be financially stable.
[00:18:33] Well resourced, even objectively, very secure and still feel tight, cautious, braced, and perpetually behind. Because scarcity isn't stored in numbers, it's stored in their nervous system. Scarcity is an internal lens shaped by our past experiences. And those past experiences may have been uncertainty, inconsistency, or had a really high [00:19:00] emotional cost attached to our needs being met when we were younger.
[00:19:05] And it forms early. It forms quietly, not just in homes where money is scarce, but in homes where money came with conditions. Right. I was raised by a doctor. We didn't have scarcity. We had very strong conditions associated with money. And this is where asking questions really is important because in these homes it created tension.
[00:19:33] Support was unpredictable. Needs were measured compared, and subtly resented in and around money, and the system learns. Nothing is guaranteed. Once that belief is encoded into our body, into our memory, into our experience, logic doesn't erase it. This is why telling yourself, just be grateful. Have an abundance mindset.
[00:19:57] Rarely works. [00:20:00] Gratitude doesn't override memory. Affirmations on the daily, don't calm a nervous system. That's been learned to brace when it comes to money, and scarcity will show up in different ways. For some it looks like constant monitoring, tracking every dollar planning for the worst case scenario, struggling to relax even when things are fine.
[00:20:23] For others, it might look like delayed pleasure, waiting until some undefined future to go and enjoy and travel and rest, or feel safe. They put it off. Someday I will. For others it might show up as urgency. Needing to act right now. Earn right now, secure right now because the window may close, hurry. And none of these patterns mean that something's wrong.
[00:20:51] They mean the body learned to survive in an environment where safety felt conditional. [00:21:00] And here's the part that matters most. Scarcity isn't evidence of ingratitude or even a lack of faith. Scarcity is evidence of memory, memory of not knowing, memory of unpredictability, memory of needing to stay alert, hypervigilant, which is why shame often deepens, scarcity.
[00:21:24] When people judge themselves for scarcity, when they're feeling. Like overly responsive 'cause they're afraid of scarcity. Our nervous system again, tightens farther our lens of how we see this goes narrower, and the body doubles down on protection. But when scarcity is recognized just as information, not an indictment, something changes, the question shifts from what's wrong with me, to what did my system learn about money, that it's still trying to protect me from.
[00:21:58] That shift [00:22:00] alone will create some new space. Space to notice that today may not be the same as then. Okay? Today is not your past space to update the map, how you see the money going and space for choice in and around money. Scarcity doesn't dissolve through pressure. It softens through recognizing that you are safe.
[00:22:25] Most of us are safe, and safety begins when the body is allowed to acknowledge. Of course, I'm okay. I don't have to hold this tension around money anymore. So let's change the meaning a little bit about money. Let's think about money as just an exchange. It's an energetic exchange, not meant to be a judgment.
[00:22:47] And at its basic level, money is remarkably simple. It folks is a piece of paper or a piece of metal. It's a number in an account. A [00:23:00] symbol that's just standing there in our lives. Money doesn't hold meaning by itself. It only carries meaning it's a piece of paper or a piece of metal. It's the meaning that we give it and the meaning that it carries.
[00:23:17] And at its core, money is just an energetic exchange. One form of value traded for another time for service. Skills for support, attention for creation needs for provision, nothing more and nothing less. What complicates money is not the exchange, it's the value system layered on top of it, because every exchange quietly answers questions like what matters, what's prioritized, what's considered valuable.
[00:23:56] And what's considered acceptable, and [00:24:00] this is where meaning gets shaped. We don't just exchange money for goods or services. We exchange money for relief, for comfort, for convenience, for connection, for expression, for growth, for time, I could keep going and often without realizing it, we often exchange money as a reflection of how we value.
[00:24:24] Ourselves, and that is where things get tangled all up. When our self-worth is unclear, money might become a measuring stick, not consciously, but relationally. People may undercharge because somewhere inside they've learned not to take up too much space. They may be overextend because saying no feels like withholding value.
[00:24:52] They may hesitate to earn beyond a certain point because success threatens belonging or safety, [00:25:00] and they may feel driven to constantly prove their worth through productivity and income. In those moments, money isn't just an exchange anymore. It becomes a verdict, a reflection of what feels allowed, of what feels deserved, of what feels safe to receive.
[00:25:22] That's not a failure of confidence. It's an echo of an internal value rule that was formed long ago. The shift isn't to inflate worth or to force abundance. That's not the point here. The shift is to recognize that money can only reflect a value system with which it has been placed inside of when value is externally assigned.
[00:25:46] Which is what we do through performance, approval, productivity, and survival. Money mirrors that instability. Again, money is not the thing. It's what we give the meaning to it. The value that it [00:26:00] assigned. So when value is internally grounded, like in our heart, in our soul, steady adherent, not up for negotiation, it is who you are.
[00:26:11] Money then becomes far less emotionally charged. If we can just separate the two, that our internal value is grounded and money is external, money then can return to its proper role just as a tool, as a priority marker, as a means of exchange, not a scorecard for our identity or a scorecard for our worth.
[00:26:39] This is why clarity matters more than strategy, because when meaning shifts. Behavior naturally follows not through force, not through hustle, but through alignment. Money stops arguing with our worth, and it starts cooperating with just routine values. So I'd like to [00:27:00] take a moment here. Let's just calm down for a second.
[00:27:03] Let's pause for a moment. Nothing to fix, nothing to figure out. Just an invitation to notice something. If it feels comfortable, allow your body to settle a little more into wherever you are. If you're listening in the car, relax your neck and your shoulders. If you're at home, notice just where you're being supported, your chair, the ground, the surface beneath you, and without trying to change anything, bring your attention to your breath.
[00:27:42] Don't control it. Just observe how it's moving.
[00:27:51] Now, gently bring to mind the idea of money, not numbers, not [00:28:00] plans, just the concept of money. And notice what happens in your body.
[00:28:10] You might feel nothing at all, or you might notice a tightening, a heaviness, a quickening, a pull to analyze whatever shows up is just information, not a problem.
[00:28:29] Somewhere inside you is a part that learned what money means, not intellectually. Experientially that part may have learned that money equals safety or pressure or independence or proof of your worth or danger or freedom. [00:29:00] You don't need to name it perfectly. Just notice it. What does money feel like before you think about it?
[00:29:13] Now, imagine money not as something being earned or chased, but as a neutral exchange, like handing over a ticket and receiving entry to an event, like offering time and receiving service, like sharing skills. And receiving support. No judgment, no scorekeeping, just exchange. And now this part matters.
[00:29:43] Notice whether any part of you feels the need to justify your right to receive, not forcefully. Just curiously, is there a sense that something must be proven before you [00:30:00] receive first? That effort must come before allowance. That worth must be demonstrated.
[00:30:14] If you notice that, just acknowledge it. That part learned something important once it was trying to protect you.
[00:30:26] You don't need to send it away. You don't need to overwrite it. Just let it know quietly, internally that today worth does not have to be negotiated through money. And as the idea lands gently, softly, notice if your body responds in any way.
[00:30:55] A breath that drops a softening [00:31:00] a pause. That's the nervous system. Updating the map. Money can remain important without being personal. It can be meaningful without moral, and your value does not rise or fall. With any exchange,
[00:31:28] take one more slow breath,
[00:31:33] and when you're ready, let your attention return outward. Being aware of your surroundings, the sounds, the feelings, moving your body, and bring this sense of clarity with you. Money is just a mirror, not a measure. Money tells stories, but it's not the author. It reflects meaning, it mirrors [00:32:00] history. It reveals where safety worth and scarcity once needed protection, but it does not define identity when money has been carrying emotional jobs.
[00:32:12] Such as proving worth, securing safety, preventing loss, it makes sense that it feels heavy or charged or personal. And when those meanings begin to loosen, something really subtle happens and it's powerful. Money becomes clearer, choice becomes cleaner. Decisions feel less reactive, not because money suddenly matters less, but because it no longer is asking to answer questions, it was never meant to hold.
[00:32:43] This work today isn't about becoming indifferent to money. It's about becoming less and entangled less governed by old rules, less driven by inherent meanings, less reactive to internal pressure that was never chosen. [00:33:00] Awareness doesn't force change. It creates options. And when safety is restored at the nervous system level, your choice will naturally expand.
[00:33:10] Money can then return to its rightful place as a tool, as an exchange, a priority marker, not a verdict, not a test of value, not a requirement for belonging. If this episode stirred something, that's not a sign that anything is wrong. It's a sign that clarity is forming and let that be enough for now.
[00:33:35] There's no rush to fix, no need to overhaul, no demand to do anything differently today. Just notice what feels lighter, what feels more spacious, and what feels less personal. That integration, and that's where real change actually begins. Before we close, let's slow it down and let it settle again. This episode [00:34:00] wasn't about fixing money.
[00:34:01] It was about understanding what money has been carrying safety worth, scarcity, meaning none of those were chosen on purpose and none of them make us wrong. Money reflects value system it's placed inside of, and when those systems begin to shift even slightly, behavior follows naturally without force. If nothing else comes from today, let clarity be enough.
[00:34:27] Awareness, restores choice and choice restores power. You don't need to rush it. Don't do anything differently tonight. Just notice what feels less charged, what feels more neutral, and what feels a little lighter. And the next episode will continue the conversation by exploring different kinds of patterns that show up in our relationships, our decisions, and our daily stress levels.
[00:34:51] Because mindset medicine is really all about everything we do, how we think, feel, and behave. From now on. As always, thank you for [00:35:00] spending time with me. I hope this is helpful for me. It was a game changer. Until next time, may you be happy. Be healthy and be fulfilled.
[00:35:16] Outro: Thank you for listening to Mindset Medicine with your host, Dr. Julia Bowlin. To learn more about mindset medicine, go to www.juliabowlinmd.com and connect with Dr. Julia to find out how our team can help you today. Join us again next week for more expert tips, tools, and strategies to become healthier, wealthier, and wiser in your personal and professional life.
