MMS_ExpectationDetox_Audio
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[00:00:00] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Most stress doesn't come from goals. It comes from the invisible standards running underneath of them.
[00:00:13] Every January, we make promises based upon who we think we should be, not who we truly are. This month, we're breaking up the internal rules that never belong to us in the first place. January carries a lot of quiet pressure. It's not the loud kind, but it's the subtle kind that whispers you should be further along, more motivated, more disciplined.
[00:00:36] By now, this month isn't about fixing life or even forcing change. It's just about noticing the hidden beliefs that create pressure in the first place and then gently dismantling them. All month long. In January, this year in 2026, we're gonna be peeling back the internal rules, the assumptions and the identities that keep people [00:01:00] stuck in cycles of self-judgment and over-functioning.
[00:01:03] We're not doing this to get rid of them overnight, but just to understand where they came from, how they shaped you, whether they still belong in your life that you're living now. We're gonna start with expectations because most stress doesn't come from goals. It comes from the invisible standards running underneath of them.
[00:01:23] And the ones that your nervous system learned long before you consciously chose them, either through culture or family or religion, they just became inde. Woo. That's a good one. Indelibly part of who you are. This isn't a month for blast off energy or even dramatic reinvention. It's the month for clarity, steadiness, and reclaiming choice one layer at a time.
[00:01:47] I want to start with something that I call the January illusion. Every January comes with this unspoken pressure to prove something not out loud, not a dramatic thing, but [00:02:00] quietly, internally, and almost even politely, there's this subtle agreement we all seem to sign up for without even reading the fine print.
[00:02:09] What am I talking about here? Have you ever heard this in your head? This is the month I'm gonna get my act together. This is the month I'm gonna finally do it right. This is a month that I stopped disappointing myself. And here's the thing people won't say, especially high achievers. January doesn't feel hopeful.
[00:02:32] It might feel heavy. Just because the calendar flips doesn't mean the nervous system magically resets. Your body is carrying last year's stress. Your system is still recovering from overload, maybe disappointment, possibly grief, maybe burnout, or maybe just plain exhaustion, and suddenly we're asking it to perform in January like it's fresh, rested, and inspired.
[00:02:58] That's an illusion. [00:03:00] We tell ourselves that January's about motivation, discipline, ambition. But what's really driving the pressure is expectation. It's the unspoken rules, like, I should be more productive by now. I should feel excited about change. I should be able to handle this better. Those shoulds don't sound harsh, they sound responsible, maybe even mature, and they might sound like someone who's got their life together, but underneath them there's a tension, and that tension over time will turn into resistance.
[00:03:38] And this is why so many resolutions don't fail loudly. They just quietly dissolve. You don't quit. You stall, you don't give up, you lose energy, and then self-judgment kicks in and we start internally talking to ourself, asking What's wrong with me? Well, first of all, there's [00:04:00] nothing wrong with you and January didn't fail you.
[00:04:03] Your goals didn't fail. You. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do to protect you from perceived threat. Unrealistic expectations. They register as threats. And before we talk about changing habits or routines or even outcomes, we need to name the real issue here. We're not resisting growth, we're responding to pressure.
[00:04:29] And pressure doesn't produce clarity, it produces survival mode, and I've talked about that in so many episodes. The limiting belief of this week. We're gonna be talking about expectations, and we're gonna name the real culprit here. It's not laziness in January. It's not the lack of discipline in January.
[00:04:50] It's not even lacking motivation, it's expectations. And most people think expectations are helpful. They sound like standards or [00:05:00] ambition. They sound like being responsible with your life, but the expectations I'm talking about, they don't live on your goal list. They live quietly underneath it and they shape how safe or unsafe your body feels before you ever even begin.
[00:05:16] They sound like this. If I don't do this perfectly, I've already failed. I should be able to handle more of this. Or if I slow down, people are going to judge me. Or maybe even like this, I need to start strong, or it just doesn't count. Here's the part that matters most. These are not personality traits.
[00:05:39] They're not flaws, they're not learned reflexes. And I wanna make this real, not theoretically, by telling you what expectation detox looks like in my life right now. Normally. January's a huge reset for me. I clean the slate. I plan, I get excited for what's ahead. I look forward to [00:06:00] conferences and trips, projects and momentum, creating podcasts and writing books, and being with my colleagues in my hospice work.
[00:06:09] There's a rhythm to it that feels familiar and energizing. I've done this for years, but this January looked nothing like that. And right now I am straddling physically, mentally, emotionally, technologically, socially, I can say it all. I'm straddling two worlds, one world. I'm still living. I'm still planning, I'm still showing up, I'm holding my vision, I'm doing meaningful work, and the other world is sitting inside of profound uncertainty.
[00:06:40] I'm caring for my husband as he lives with severe cancer, suffering from pain. While knowing that that terrible loss is not hypothetical, it is going to happen. It's real, it's looming, and it doesn't care what month it is. And those two worlds don't blend neatly. They don't [00:07:00] integrate well. My new theme for next year is I integration, but here's where expectations might show up.
[00:07:08] The expectation that January should feel hopeful. The expectation that I should be energized and the expectation that he should be starting fresh instead of staying close to home more than I ever have in my entire life. The expectation that I should be able to carry both worlds without it costing me anything I.
[00:07:27] That's the kind of expectation that no planner prepares you for. And if I didn't slow down enough to notice it, I could very easily turn that into self-judgment. Why don't I feel excited? Why am I so tired? Why does planning feel heavy instead of inspiring? But here's the truth, both mine and yours, nothing is wrong when our life circumstances require presence instead of propulsion, instead of moving forward.
[00:07:55] Expectations don't come from just culture. They come from our past versions of [00:08:00] ourself, from who we've been trained to be. When things are stable, predictable, and forward facing, and when life changes the terrain, those old expectations can become quietly cruel. I'm gonna say that again. When life changes, such as my situation with this cancer thing, when life changes, that terrain, those old expectations can become.
[00:08:24] Quietly cruel. And that is why expectation detox matters, not because we're failing at January, but because January may be asking something totally different of you than it used to. And so before we move forward, I want you to pause here. Not to fix anything, not to make meaning out of pain, but just to simply notice.
[00:08:47] What expectation are you carrying into this year that doesn't fit the life that you're actually living right now? I'm gonna tell you, I have asked myself this question over and over [00:09:00] again, and what would it feel like to loosen your grip on it even a little? In this next section, I wanna talk about physiology and psychology, how expectations can actually hijack the nervous system.
[00:09:16] Because here's what's actually happening in your body. When expectations turn into pressure, your nervous system does not care about your goals, your planners, or even your good intentions. It cares about safety. And safety is determined moment by moment, not by logic, but by perception. And when you carry on an expectation that doesn't match your current reality.
[00:09:40] Meaning like, I should be energized. I should be handling this better, I should be further along. Your system does not interpret that as motivation. It interprets as a threat, and the brain reads this as something is wrong, I'm behind. I might lose approval, stability, or even belonging. [00:10:00] And folks that pressure.
[00:10:02] That perception, whether it's true or not, it's going to activate your nervous system.
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[00:10:51] No more wondering how to apply this. It's all mapped out for you. And if you're ready to stop spitting your wheels and start making real shifts, grab today's worksheet [00:11:00] below because life's too short to stay stuck. Check out the episode specific worksheet in today's podcast. Show notes below the link is right there for you.
[00:11:14] Dr. Julia Bowlin: Your stress hormones will rise, your muscles will tense, your breath will shift, and your decision making will narrow. That's where cortisol enters the picture. It's not a villain, it's just a messenger. And cortisol's job is to help you respond to danger. But when expectations create a constant internal pressure, cortisol doesn't spike and resolve.
[00:11:38] It lingers. And when it lingers, a few predictable things happen. We become less creative. We start to lose our nuance, our tolerance for uncertainty goes away, and simple decisions suddenly feel exhausting, and that's why January can feel paradoxical. What do I mean by that? You might want to [00:12:00] change. You might believe in your goals, but your body's bracing because pressure without relief feels like survival mode.
[00:12:08] And here's something that most people don't realize. A pressured nervous system cannot generate sustainable motivation. It can produce short bursts of action. It can push through emergencies and it can perform when it has to, but it cannot stay there without consequences. That's why people get mental fog, irritability, weight gain, fatigue, emotional numbness, or that just familiar sense of I just can't make myself care right now.
[00:12:41] And that's not laziness. It's not laziness. It feels like it because we're judging ourself, but it's physiology. It's our nervous system telling us we need to conserve energy because it senses a mismatch, a mismatch between expectation and our [00:13:00] capacity. And when that mismatch persists, the body starts to override the brain.
[00:13:08] You might plan beautifully and then procrastinate. You might feel inspired one day and flat the next. You might think that you're sabotaging yourself, but it's really regulation. It's your nervous system saying, this pace isn't safe for me right now, and this is where most January advice misses the mark.
[00:13:31] It tries to talk the mind into action while ignoring our body signals. You cannot think your way out of a nervous system. That feels like it's under threat Relief comes not from pushing harder, but from reducing internal pressure, and that's where the reset begins. In my next section, we're gonna talk about the expectation trap, how our upbringing in our culture have hardwired our nervous system.[00:14:00]
[00:14:00] Expectations do not appear out of nowhere. They are learned folks, and for many of us, they were taught to us very early and not as suggestions, but as rules. And we incorporate these internal personal rules deeply and they become indelible and sometimes unconscious, and that is how it becomes hardwired.
[00:14:23] In my household growing up, expectations were not flexible. Guidelines. They were standards that had to be met precisely. Rules were meant to be followed. Deviations came with reprimand. Mistakes came with putdowns, and approval and love was conditional. My father, he ruled with a very firm hand, and my mother's disappointment was often quieter, but I felt it just as loudly.
[00:14:53] Perfection was expected everywhere in appearances, in chores and school and work and in behavior [00:15:00] and praise. It was rare, and I wanna share one moment that shaped this more than I ever realized at the time I thought about this. So many times I came home from gymnastics. I had injured my wrist, I was in pain, I had a brace on, and I got home and my father said.
[00:15:18] Keep in mind, I went to school all day long, then I went to gymnastics, and then I came home and he said I had to go outside and pick up the sticks in the yard. And at first I'm thinking I'm in pain. I'm exhausted, I'm hungry. And he's asking me to go pick up sticks. So already I'm feeling like he doesn't understand my pain, he doesn't get me, doesn't love me.
[00:15:39] You know, I don't wanna say the poor me, but this is kind of how it unfolded. Okay. So we lived on nearly an acre. We lived when I was growing up and I spent hours out there. It was gotta be eight o'clock now at night. I filled multiple trash barrels of sticks. And to be honest with you, the fact that I pushed through my pain, that I was tough enough to go [00:16:00] out there after a long day, I felt proud.
[00:16:03] I felt like I'd done something really well. I looked at all these trash barrels of sticks that I had picked up, but when I was finished, my father came outside. Instead of looking at all the sticks I picked up and him going, look what you did. Even in the midst of being in pain and sadness that your gymnastics might, the career might be over.
[00:16:25] He grabbed my arm and started pointing out every tiny two inch little piece of stick I had missed over and over for about 20 minutes. He showed me all the things I missed, all the little things I didn't do good enough. He was scanning the ground, naming what wasn't done, and in that moment, something settled into my nervous system.
[00:16:48] It wasn't, I missed a few sticks. It was, I'm not good enough. No matter how hard I work, it won't be enough. Love [00:17:00] and approval are earned through perfection. That's what was going on. I wasn't thinking that. I was feeling that into my nervous system. And that folks is how expectation traps and how it works.
[00:17:15] It's not through cruelty alone, but through repetition, through environments where worth is measured by our output. Where effort is an acknowledged unless it's flawless, and where being seen is conditional, and here's the important part. Our nervous system doesn't store this as a memory. It stores it as a rule, and the rule becomes try harder.
[00:17:39] The rule becomes don't miss anything. The rule becomes if you slow down, you risk disapproval so fast forward into adulthood, those rules don't disappear. They show up as over preparing, over-functioning, self-criticism, difficulty resting. [00:18:00] An anxiety when things are unfinished or imperfect. I am telling you I've struggled with this my whole life.
[00:18:09] That's how I know this so clearly. And they show up the most and the most loudly in January because January asks us to evaluate ourself. And if you're early wiring equated evaluation with worth, then January can quietly feel like a test that you're already failing. And this is why Expectation Detox isn't about lowering standards.
[00:18:34] It's about recognizing which standards were never yours to begin with and why your nervous system reacts so strongly when life asks for something differently. Maybe it's asking for presence instead of performance, steadiness instead of striving much like me right now, nothing about this means that we're broken.
[00:18:57] It means that our system needs to learn how to [00:19:00] survive in an environment that is present and given to us right now. And awareness doesn't erase the past, but it does give us a choice. A choice where the trap can begin to loosen. So let's do a little reset. Let's change the baseline and not feel like January is a blast off into huge goals.
[00:19:23] Here's how we can interrupt this cycle, because once we see expectations and how they got wired into our system, the question now becomes, what do we do instead? Most January, advice pushes blast off mentality, big goals, hard resets, all or nothing energy. And that approach assumes that our nervous system is already resourced, that we have lots of resources.
[00:19:50] Here's the thing. When our system has learned that worth equals performance, and when life is asking us to live inside of uncertainty or [00:20:00] grief, or caregiving, or even sustained stress, blast off isn't motivating. It's threatening. So instead, I want to offer you a different framework. Baseline, not blast off.
[00:20:13] Baseline is not settling. It's not giving up. It's not lowering your standards. Baseline is choosing a starting point where your nervous system can actually tolerate something. Think of baseline as a level where your breathing stays steady, your body doesn't brace, your mind stays flexible, and your energy doesn't collapse afterward.
[00:20:33] Baseline is the pace where your system says, this feels workable. And here's why this matters both clinically and practically. A regulated nervous system is far more capable of change than a pressured one. When you start from baseline, you remain access to creativity. You make clearer decisions, and you respond.
[00:20:52] Instead of react, you build momentum that doesn't require self punishment to sustain. Last off feels [00:21:00] impressive, but it's brittle and baseline is more quieter, it's more resilient. And here's the reframe I want you to sit with. January doesn't need to be impressive. It needs to be honest, honest about your capacity, honest about your season of life that you're in, and honest about what your life is actually asking of you right now.
[00:21:21] So instead of asking how do I push myself to do more, try asking what's the most supportive baseline that I can return to consistently, that might look like having fewer goals done with more care, or shorter days with better recovery. Maybe even saying no without explanation or letting enough be enough.
[00:21:45] This isn't about shrinking your life, it's about creating conditions where growth doesn't cost you or your nervous system. And here's the quiet truth that most people miss when you start from baseline, momentum [00:22:00] emerges naturally. It's not forced, it's not frantic, but it is sustainable, and that's how expectation detox becomes lived and not just understood.
[00:22:11] Let's take a little moment here. Let's break the rule that might be running you. Let's pause. You're not going to analyze not to improve, a adjust to notice. And if it feels okay, just take a nice, gentle breath, nothing deep, nothing dramatic, just enough to bring yourself into this moment. Now, bring to mind one expectation that's been quietly running your January.
[00:22:38] Not the loud ones, the subtle rules that might be underneath everything. It might sound like I should be handling this better, or I need to stay productive to be worthy. Or if I slow down, I'm going to fall behind. Or that rest is something I earn, not something that's allowed. [00:23:00] You don't need to judge it.
[00:23:01] You don't need to fix it. I just want you to notice it. And then ask yourself, without pressure, without urgency, where did this rule come from? We're not blaming anybody. We just wanna understand the origin. Was it learned in a home where approval was conditional or was it in a profession that rewarded over-functioning or in a season of your life where pushing through was the only option?
[00:23:31] And let the answer arise on its own. Now, this is the part that matters the most. Ask a second question. Is the rule actually true and relevant right now? Not historically, not morally right now? And does it fit the life that you're living today? Does it support your nervous system or does it strain it?
[00:23:59] [00:24:00] Because if it doesn't fit. You don't have to rip it out. You can just loosen it a little bit and try this instead. Just as an experiment, what if I'm allowed to start from where I am and not where I think I should be?
[00:24:17] Huh? Notice what happens in your body when you say that. When? If I'm allowed to start from where I am right now and not where I think I should be. Any softening. Any resistance, any relief? All of this is just information. Don't judge it. Breaking a rule doesn't mean becoming reckless. It means choosing presence over pressure.
[00:24:42] And even a small release, one rule, one expectation can create that space, and that space could be left with clarity, more steadiness space for a different kind of momentum. You don't need to do this perfectly. I just want you to be [00:25:00] honest 'cause I want us to be able to integrate this and have a new truth for not just this week, but maybe for all of January and maybe even all of 2026.
[00:25:10] Before we close, I want to offer you one simple truth. The hold this week. It's not a mantra, it's not a rule, it's just a reference point that I want you to return to when things feel like you're starting to tighten again. And here it is. Pressure is not proof of progress. Let that land for a moment. So many of us learned explicitly or implicitly that discomfort means we're doing it right.
[00:25:38] That tension equals effort. That strain is the price of growth, but your nervous system doesn't grow through pressure. It grows through safety. Progress that costs you Regulation isn't sustainable. And progress that requires self-criticism isn't freedom. So this week, instead of asking, am I doing enough?
[00:25:58] Try instead [00:26:00] asking, does this feel supportive of the life I'm actually living right now? Think about that. And instead of how do I push myself forward, try what helps me stay steady here. If your body signals fatigue, resistance, or overwhelm, treat that information not as failure. You don't need to correct it.
[00:26:24] You don't need to overwrite it. You just need to listen because a new truth for this week isn't about doing more. It's about permission. Permission to start from baseline permission to release an expectation that no longer fits, and permission to let January be stabilizing instead of impressive.
[00:26:44] Awareness doesn't demand action. It just creates choice and choice. Real choice is where our agency returns. So let's lock in this episode number one in January. Before I close, I want to gather what really matters most [00:27:00] from today. January doesn't fall apart because we lack discipline, motivation, or desire.
[00:27:05] It gets heavy when expectations turn into pressure, and pressure quietly turns into self-judgment. This week isn't about doing more or starting stronger. It's about noticing the rules you've been living by and deciding consciously whether they still belong in the life that you're actually living right now.
[00:27:26] Start from baseline folks. Let your nervous system feel supported instead of pushed. Awareness creates choice and choice. Restores steadiness. And next week we're gonna talk about assumptions. The stories we tell ourselves when we don't slow down long enough to check in with which actually true and how those stories quietly shape stress, misunderstanding, and emotional reactivity.
[00:27:54] Until then. Be gentle with yourself. You're not behind. You're becoming aware and [00:28:00] may you be happy. Be healthy and be fulfilled.
[00:28:09] Outro: Thank you for listening to Mindset Medicine with your host, Dr. Julia Bowlin. To learn more about mindset medicine, go to www.juliabowlinmd.com and connect with Dr. Julia to find out how our team can help you today. Join us again next week for more expert tips, tools, and strategies to become healthier, wealthier, and wiser in your personal and professional life.
